Let me tell you about a rather trivial incident: to make access to the road that leads to my farm in La Malbaie a little easier, my neighbour and I came to an agreement where he would give me a small section of his land in exchange for an equivalent section of my own. No problem, he declared with a slightly crooked smile, as long as you pay all the costs.

Of course, you would be doing me such a big favour, I responded.

First barrier: the Commission de protection du territoire agricole. Since this whole thing has to do with an agricultural zone, we need permission. No one is free to do as they please in our very civilized and bureaucratic society. A file needs to be created and obviously, there are costs involved. There goes the first of many payouts: $242.

The person looking after my file with the Commission – a good person – immediately tells me that it is incomplete. I need a land surveyor’s plan that shows which area of my farm is involved. While I’m there, I take the opportunity to request the installation of a machine shed. As immense as Charlevoix may be, the municipality doesn’t allow you to build what you want, where and when you want it! I found the first land surveyor in the Yellow pages, and $1,600 later the job will be complete. At this price I have the distinct feeling that I’m being taken advantage of. But what the heck! You do what you gotta do!

Enter the notary responsible for processing the “transaction”. A good and proper notary with an office on rue Saint-Denis in Montréal: not too expensive, competent, but sadly lacking an understanding of the subtleties involved in farmland dealings.

He calls to tell me that he doesn’t have a written transcript of the agreement.

What transcript?

He needs a written transcript of the verbal land agreement; the surveyor’s plan is not enough. Well, the land has something of a slope and – well it’s a little more complicated than that – there are possible drifts in terms of dimensions.

This time I ask the only two land surveyors I can find in the Yellow pages for a quote. A useless process since both submit the same dollar amount! I suppose there’s some level of professional courtesy involved here. Well, there goes another $700.

A few weeks later, the notary calls me back. He just found out that my neighbour has a mortgage on his land.

So what?

His bank needs to provide a withdrawal because the guarantee has been modified. This is not a good thing, but it’s too late to turn back. This has been "in the works" for the past 12 months. How much? Another $150.

But that’s not all, I sense a certain hesitation in the notary’s tone. I don’t know why but I expect the worse.

Now what? Is the file complete?

No. There are still two missing elements. Another survey certificate is needed for my neighbour’s land since its dimensions have been changed. Really? I call the first land surveyor and say goodbye to $1,100.

What’s more, a dollar value needs to be placed on the transaction - for tax purposes, GST and PST, states the notary. You should contact your accountant, since there could be considerable fiscal implications. It’s not all bad: there’s no need for an environmental impact study!

I am suddenly struck with concern for all these farmers who, in order to do their job, must deal with all of these bureaucratic barbarians when it’s time to renew a loan, to buy some land or to divide family property.

Now back to my story. The notary finally sends the complete file. His invoice is very professional looking and includes every little detail: writing of legal documents, telephone calls, forwarding the file to a colleague in La Malbaie to obtain proper signatures, legal registration of documents. The list is extensive, kind of like a medical report. Which reminds me that I need to go for my annual physical: I can already feel my cholesterol and blood pressure mounting – another $1500 bites the dust.

At long last I understand what they’re trying to say in those commercials: Some things can’t be bought, for all the others there’s Mastercard.